The Harry Potter Universe Survival Guide
by Smirnoff Ryuu
Summary: An opinionated guide through the world of Harry Potter taking you from find out your a wizard to battling the evil Lord Voldemort...if your name is Harry Potter
1. Introduction

**The Harry Potter Survival Guide**

This guide has been written to help the average person survive in the dangerous world full of pit falls, traps and pranks that exist in the world of Harry Potter…aka the boy-that-just-won't-die.

Firstly the authoress, publishers and shopkeeper all confer upon you many thanks for purchasing this little guide. If you didn't buy this and stole it instead, the authoress, publishers and shopkeeper have had curses placed upon this book so every chapter you read; your life will become gradual worse until you have been taught that stealing is wrong.

Right well now that unpleasantness is out of the way…

This guide will attempt (and whether it does or not is complete and pure coincidence) to help the reader navigate their way through the dangers that come through cross paths with Death Eaters, how to escape almost certain death by making friends with people that avoid bleaching their skull, why tattoos are not a good thing and how werewolves are not all evil and those that are, why they haven't been given rabies shots.

Not only will this guide provide this information; but it will give you a run down of the top ten people to avoid when running around the wizarding world and the betting odds for who will win the ultimate showdown…Colin Creevy or Neville Longbottom.

This guide will also try and explain to those who are both familiar and unfamiliar with the universe of Harry Potter that Lord Voldemort is not only a psychotic killer of men and wizards, a lover of kittens and puppies, a big fan of daisies but how he is really the evil dark Lord of Typewriters and therefore he is not really a bad guy…well not much.

Some other important points that need to be observed within this guide include, how Madam Prince is related to a strange mixed breed of Ferrell librarians, how oddly shaped cheeses are the new and coolest breed of felines, how large dogs are really mans best friend and that greasy haired gits are really more complicated than anyone will give them credit for…no matter how evil they really are.

You are standing in the threshold so either move over and let everyone else in or turn the frigging page! Oh and be ready to jump over any plot holes that will appear.

Oh yeh, disclaimer dealey (stupid law and copyright malarkey) I don't own any characters, idea etc, if someone else has done this…well now I have too XP


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Who's who in Harry Potter (or who to go to in a lightning storm if you want to live)**

Firstly those of you who have come by this book by evil means (and means other than buying it) this is your last warning to stop reading before bad things start to happen…last chance!

Okay well firstly it seems a good place to start with a general who's who of Harry Potter.

Obviously there is the hero…or the boy-who-just-won't-die, or so you would be led to believe, however it is wise to note now that he is in fact a prick and is at his most pricky when staying in his Godfather's house and believing he is gods gift to the world…he was in fact Lily's gift to the world and during his prick phase you could see her turning in her grave. He can be recognised by the lightning shaped scar on his forehead and the fact that everyone keeps staring at him for varying reasons…note he is not the heir to Slytherin…he just has a very poor sense of direction.

If there is a hero…there must be a villain…so I introduce you to Tom Marvolo Riddle…aka You-know-who and he-who-cannot-be-named and Lord Voldemort…Voldie to reckless fan girls. There will be a chapter later on dedicated to the complex character that he is so I won't waste time now. However he can be recognised by the rows of bowing people laid out before his feet and the lack of hair and his striking resemblance to Christian Coulson and Ralph Fiennes.

In dealing with the shades of grey that exist between good and evil you eventually fall upon Severus Snape, the Greasy haired git with elaborate holiday plans and seemingly void of royal blood (this is important later on), how for all intents and purposes can only ever be evil because he is a cowardly gimp, but this is covered in the Why Greasy Haired Gits are not your Friends Chapter.

Sirius Black, part dog and spokes man for pedigree chum, part wizard, part wanted criminal, part ghost man…percentages are yet to be confirmed for the purposes of a pie chart.

Remus Lupin, substitute DADA Professor and Werewolf on the weekends…that coincide with the full moon…erm…yes…well it happens, just don't start telling him what enormous teeth he has…or introduce him to your Grandmother and if either or both occur then make sure there is a huntsman on hand for assistance…Hagrid will suffice.

Hagrid, Gamekeeper and player of checkers. Keeper of giant spiders (whose children then try and eat him), owner of Fang…the vampire dog…and someone who has always wanted a dragon…as you can see sense does not run in his family or in his head…if you wish to make it through to chapter 2 then avoiding Hagrid is always a wise idea…unless you have complimented Lupin's teeth or taken your Grandmother (complete with stuffed vulture hat, red handbag and green dress) to see him…Hagrid will be very useful then. It is also well documented that he shouldn't have said that.

Professor Albus Dumbledore, he has a thing for sherbet lemons that nobody quite understands and for some unknown reason cannot see the prick phase that Harry progress through…or if he does he chooses to ignore it…also the only wizard, being, man, creature, thing, that Lord Voldemort (Or Voldie) fears because of his uncanny ability to look through glass…erm…yes…and as Headmaster of Hogwarts is a good friend for evading detention so greasy haired gits can't lock you up in their dungeons.

If you should find yourself a float in a sea of ginger then do not disappear! You have not stumbled into the nightmare of Geri Halliwell and Chris Evans breeding but the Weasley family may have descended upon you, which given the alternative is a godsend! Upon encountering the Weasley family it must be remembered that not all Weasley's are good…some are nice and friendly, others would sell you to advance their own career –cough- Percy –cough- some would turn you into a moulting canary then sell you to a small mining company before the feathers all disappeared, but on the whole the Weasleys are the good guys and actually the majority of them are very good looking too so being all amongst them even though it is a sea of ginger is actually a very good thing…watch out for Ginny though…she was banned from having a diary for a reason and it is not just because it didn't co-ordinate with Bill's earring…

And to finish the small and briefly scratching the surface of who's who but enough to make you either want to run away screaming, stab the authoress continually with a blunt machete or read on with great anticipation is Hermionie 'Know-it-all' Granger aka Ron's one true love that neither one will admit to. Book worm, so easy to buy Christmas presents for, very smart so don't try to out do her or there will be a world of hurt and bungee cords do not snap accidentally. She is also seemingly the only wizard or witch able to actually practise any practical magic…it's almost as if there weren't such things as witches and wizards…

On a small side note, if you stole this book or did not by any means pay for it then about know you will be starting to feel flushed every so slightly and the hair on your toes will now be 3 foot in length.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

What you need to Survive (or why stealing is never a good idea)

Firstly before going anywhere in the wizarding world you are going to need a wand and not any wand will do…this means no stealing other people's wands because that can lead to real trouble as all wands now come with anti-theft curses after Barty Crouch Jr. stole the boy-who-just-won't-die's wand…careless prick, spoilt it for everyone…but back to buying (and I emphasis buying) a wand of your very own. If you can't afford an Olivander's wand, then one from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes would suffice (as long as you don't go taking on dark wizards before you can afford a proper one, rubber chickens and halibuts aren't the best thing to try and defend yourself with from an army of death eating maniacs, unless you plan to kill them with laughter…)

As well as a wand, a spell book is also essential (well actually two or more is preferable…but draw the line way before fifty or you'll end you developing a hunchback after trying to carry them all around…see Why Books are Bad for the Back for more details…and when you are weighed down by books it's really difficult to run away from danger quickly, though they do make very good pillows, shields and depending on the thickness or amount of testosterone in the pages…good weapons, but this may make your wand obsolete and you don't want to wish you hadn't spent all that money on a twig with a feather in the middle of it when a book can do more damage)

Though you may think you are ready to step out into the world of Harry Potter, you aren't quite prepared. Though you have your wand and your spell book(s), there is something more important than both of these that you will need…a list; a checklist to be precise. No expedition into untold danger with high adventure, high risk, high seas and high inflations rates can even be attempted without a list having first been compiled, after all everything starts with a list…shopping…pros and cons…shopping…suspect investigation…shopping…VIP list…shopping…guest list…shopping…Cast list…and shopping to name but a few.

Now on with the list, the list can be of anything, your favourite football teams, your favourite perfumes, what you need to carry in order to ward off a death eater attack, how many pairs of shoes you have in your wardrobe, the worst films ever made; anything! Personally I find the third is a waste of time…everyone knows what you need to carry in order to ward of a death eater attack; Garlic, daisies and a book of quotes from Dad's Army…along with a halibut. You may ask yourself what is the point in carrying the list…if you aren't going to use it as a checklist then what is the point in carrying it? Well the answer is obvious; if Hermionie suggests something, you can respond, let me check my list and reply no it's not on here you must be wrong, this will then send her into a colossal panic about not being the smartest and you and Ron can watch with great amusement whilst Harry thinks about how special he is…erm…yes…but that is the purpose of the list.

Sherbet Lemons are another important part of the Harry Potter Survival Kit. They contain a magical ability that is uncanny and no wizard yet fully understands, save one of course. When you throw a Sherbet lemon on the ground out of it's wrapper, Dumbledore will suddenly appear and smite the fool who would waste such a precious gem of lemony goodness. It's quite a remarkable sight…especially if you are using Umbridge as a shield.

A good disguise is also useful, some people are naturally gifted in the art of disguise, the authoress for example can look like herself, Famke Janssen and Professor McGonagall, its quite surprising, you may have what shall be hence forth known as the 'Tonks' ability and be able to change your facial appearance, hair colour etc by wanting to, or you may just have gone down to your local shop and bought a set of robes (make sure they aren't counterfeit robes coz wizards can tell the difference, they aren't 'I can't believe it's not butter') and put them on and started carrying around your wand and spell books. Though it is only fair I warn you, you could get locked up for that.

A broomstick is something else that may come in useful whilst in the wizarding world. Not only can it sweep paths on command, making cleaning your dormitory and kitchen floor a breeze without having to bring in small woodland creatures to help, but if you choose the right model it will fight all your fights for you and even help you win and Quidditch (there are some rumours that non-flying brooms have been put into production to try and curb the viscous Quidditch fights breaking out between four young men, one dressed in red, another in green, one in blue, the other kind of spectral and dressed in yellow, but so far nothing has come of this). The best Broomstick to buy would be one that has the Ron Weasley stamp of approval, or for those of you not familiar with this concept; anything that can make him say

"Bloody Hell!"

If you fail to receive this exclamation you have not received the Ron Weasley stamp of approval, which is a shame, because it really is quite nice. It is also important for the reader to note that the Percy Weasley stamp of approval will not suffice (though the Chris Rankin stamp of approval might).

Other items that you may want to have on your person at any one time during your stay in the magical world are: -

The marauders' map – it has lots of pretty pictures in case you get bored and can help you find people if you lose them in big crowds or in the dark or you just really want to avoid someone

Any product from WWW or Weasley Wizard Wheezes. You never know when you'll need some form of distraction, act of vengeance, something to cover a cowardly escape or something that will make you laugh…it's also nice to go and see Fred and George.

A pocket handkerchief

The Angel DVD box set

A rare Roman coin

A commemorative plate from some event within modern history – the World Wars, Jubilees, Birthdays, Royal Weddings, Plastic Father Christmas Buffet trays…

A single chopstick

A coaster

A typewriter

A bunch of daises

A French Onion sellers bicycle

A Beret

Inspector Closseau's moustache

A curtain hook

A length of fishing line

A pair of sunglasses

A rare Victorian ring

Something shiny

A clock

An eye patch

And a miscellaneous kitchen item

If you have collected all these items and placed them in your school trunk, your Mary Poppins type satchel or you just brought them along in the kitchen bath, then you are ready brave souls to continue to Chapter 3 and see what danger awaits you there. Oliver Wood reminds you not to forget your broomstick. If you are not ready then go sit and wait for the bus.

For those of you still reading and were moraleless and instead of buying this book like good little Slytherins should, neglected to pay for it then along with the grotesque 3 foot hair on your toes and your slight flush you will develop the irresistible urge to stand on your head whilst chanting 'It's a small world after all.'

It is not too late to go and have the curses removed by paying for this book…however by going past the…it is now too late and you are, for want of a better word…buggered.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Your First Day Out (or life could be a dream if it hadn't turned into a T rated nightmare)**

Well congratulations and a big thumbs up are in order to the reader! You have passed the survival-training…wait a minute…no that comes later…stupid list not being in order…but you have made it to chapter 3, which means you survived the introduction, you managed to get to grips with Who's who, and you successfully managed to compile a list of your very own, not steal a wand and acquire all the items listed for your survival kit. As a reward you not only get to read chapter 3 but you also get this small book of Morecambe and Wise quotes…they'd run out of Dad's Army and Monty Python quotes books in Flourish and Blotts and Woolworths have banned all wizards after the toffee and sherbet lemons incident…anyway you get a book free without having to steal it, lucky you!

Now on your first day out in the wizarding world you will need to travel down to London on the train. Now in order to take the train you will need a ticket and in order to make the ticket you need to have been to Diagon Alley in London…ah well erm you could always buy one at the ticket office I suppose…but that isn't very magical now is it? Once you get to London, you need to locate the Leaky Cauldron pub, to do this you should follow somebody who looks like they don't belong in the muggle world…just be careful because not all these people are wizards and it can lead to some strange situations sometimes, especially if the people you are following are foreign…the Scottish and Welsh don't take too kindly to stalking, the Irish don't mind as long as you buy them a drink and everyone else you can run away from, but still whilst you've been following the wrong person you could have found the pub!

Once you have found the Leaky Cauldron you need to order a drink, preferably an alcoholic one because being in London and having had to follow people you will need a drink, Gin and Tonic is always good for you but I wouldn't recommend the dry sherry. Now once you've had your drink go outside, but not out the front or you'll have to come back in again and buy another drink. Go out the back door and you'll see a wall. Now there are two ways in which you can get through this wall that do not require any heavy machinery. The first of which is to tap the bricks in the right order so they open up and let you through. The second way is to jump the wall.

Once you have jumped the wall you will need to find yourself and apothecary to heal all your broken bones and bandage all the scratches you have…you really should have tapped the bricks. In any case you will then need to get yourself some wizards gold.

Take out the rare Victorian ring and go and see Griphook the Goblin in the large white building at the end of the street…no the president doesn't live there, it's the bank. Now it is a little known fact about Griphook but he is the head of a Victorian jewellery wizarding black market. The rare ring you have is worth over 10,000 galleons which is enough to get you started in the wizarding world before you can make some real money, but anyway he will try to haggle with you and tell you it is only worth 5,000, maybe even 2,500 but don't listen to him, instead turn around and flap your arms like a chicken before saying 'Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub', he will come around very quickly and give you the ten thousand galleons. Now would be a good time to open a bank account to save that money in so you don't get robbed the moment you turn around and see hard up Slytherins gazing at your piles of gold. Keep around one hundred galleons out of your account to go shopping with and don't forget to put your key somewhere safe…under your mattress doesn't count, somewhere sensible like in your shoe or under your hat, the hem of your robes will not suffice.

Now you have money you won't need to steal and you won't be thrown in Azkaban, good for you! The first thing you need to buy is a carrier pigeon. They are much less conspicuous than owls and are much harder to stop from delivering messages, if Mutley can't do it, nobody can. The Owl Emporium is really a cover for a pigeon smuggling operation being run by one Ludo Bagman, so your best bet for getting one is to go in there. Once in there, stamp your left foot twice and your right foot once, raise your right arm and wiggle your nose. Nod twice and wink with your left eye, then turn around. You will then be led into a back room to take your choice of the pigeons in stock. If people begin to stare at you and lead their children by the hand away from you, this can only be a good thing as most children are brats.

Now you have your pigeon, which you should have paid 3 galleons for, anymore and you've been had, you need to buy an owl. It would look odd if you didn't have one and if you choose to retire from wizardry you have the makings of your own courier service to rival Parcel Force and UPS.

Now you have your birds you need to go and buy potions ingredients, tell the shopkeeper you will take one of everything and you will get a discount, but it won't be a five fingered one and it will save you having to read a pointless list (yes there is such a thing, I was surprised too). Once you have bought all these you will need a rest so go out of the Leaky Cauldron and come back in again.

After having your drink you will now need to look into getting some form of sidekick who will carry all your shopping, tell you all your ideas are brilliant and generally make yourself feel bigger…especially since the boy-who-just-won't-die doesn't have one, he has a best friend instead, but you can be greedy and have both.

In order to obtain said sidekick you need to have a lure. Take out your something shiny and use it to catch the light. This will attract the attention of the perfect sidekick and by giving them ice cream you will seal the deal. Congratulations on joining the historical trade of slavery! By having a sidekick you are endorsing slavery and as such receive two curse coupons and a discount at all Knockturn Alley shops. You now have also decided that you will be sorted into the Slytherin house so go and have another drink, you've earnt it and you've also survived your first day in the wizarding world. Whatever money you have left you can go spend on what you like, my treat.

When you get home go to bed and sleep for a full eight hours, ask your sidekick to wake you in the morning so that you can read on to Chapter 4!

For those of unscrupulous nature before being duped into entering the slave trade, those of you who stole this book will now begin to sprout feathers as you stand on your head with a slight flush and three foot hair on your feet chanting 'It's a small world after all'.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Hogwarts (or the place that was a prison)**

Well Good Morning Sunshine! Don't kick you sidekick as you get up and thanking them for waking you would be a nice gesture since you are now a tyrannical master.

Now that you have had your eight hours sleep, put on your make up, a little foundation and eye lifter will make you feel so much better about yourself! And boys this includes you! You don't have to see how ugly women are without make up on, so why should they have to suffer your ugliness?

Now that you're all pretty, put the lipstick down unless you want to beaten up, you can start getting ready to leave for the train. You will see that your sidekick, being very proficient has already packed your school trunk, Mary Poppins type satchel or kitchen bath for you and therefore you shouldn't kick them when they forget to bring you scrambled eggs with the full English breakfast they made. A clip round the ear will suffice.

Once you've finished breakfast (no it isn't poisoned) you can go to Kings Cross Station in London. How you get there is completely up to you. However if you would like to get there in one piece I don't recommend the following transportation:

Tiger

Dragon

Rabid Werewolf

Three Year Old Rickshaw Driver

A Taxi playing the song 'By the Way'

An old man offering you sweets from a car window

Hitchhiking in a Smart Car (unless you want to pretend to be coats)

Wheelie Bin

Once you've arrived at Kings Cross Station you need to find your way to platform nine and three quarters (9 ¾), which is deceptively situated between platforms 5 and 6. If you are one shrewd observer you will notice that people seem to disappear through the solid brick wall between the two platforms, however this is complete nonsense, if you wish to try running at the wall you will break your nose among other things and will incur the wrath of the train station officials (you wouldn't like them when they're angry) so I shall let you in on a little secret. Tap the green brick at the bottom of the wall with your trolley and you will open the secret trap door that will drop you straight onto the platform. Alternatively you could just take the stairs on your right hand side.

When down on the platform it would be wise to avoid running over peoples toes with your trolley, it's very rude and not the best way to make friends. Before you get on the big ruby red train stood in the station, now is a good time to check your list…yes your top ten football teams are still on it! The items you still have left to be used are:-

The marauders' map – it has lots of pretty pictures in case you get bored and can help you find people if you lose them in big crowds or in the dark or you just really want to avoid someone

Any product from WWW or Weasley Wizard Wheezes. You never know when you'll need some form of distraction, act of vengeance, something to cover a cowardly escape or something that will make you laugh…it's also nice to go and see Fred and George.

A pocket handkerchief

The Angel DVD box set

A rare Roman coin

A commemorative plate from some event within modern history – the World Wars, Jubilees, Birthdays, Royal Weddings, Plastic Father Christmas Buffet trays…

A single chopstick

A coaster

A typewriter

A bunch of daises

A French Onion sellers bicycle

A Beret

Inspector Closseau's moustache

A curtain hook

A length of fishing line

A pair of sunglasses

A clock

An eye patch

And a miscellaneous kitchen item

Make sure you also have your pigeon and owl still and not in the same cage. Pigeons and owls aren't the best of friends, no matter what Saturday morning cartoons may endeavour to try and teach you.

Now there is always a queue to get on the train and it is imperative that your sidekick and you get a compartment all to yourself so you can turn away the unwanted riff raff and only invite the deceptive and devious in for tea and crumpets…though it is at this point you will realise you have forgotten to bring any jam, which you can blame on your sidekick and the punishment (I suggest putting him on sock duty for Hagrid) will have to wait if you are to avoid the queue.

Attach your length of fishing line to the curtain hook and using it as a grappling hook secure it to the roof of the train. Now tie your sidekick to the end of it and push him at the window – watch out for the broken glass as you climb in after him – well maybe that was punishment enough for forgetting the jam. Don't forget to repair the window and make sure your sidekick is breathing and has enough blood to prepare your tea and crumpets.

The trick to associating yourself with the right kind of wizards is simple – blonde or dark haired and look distinctly ferret or troll like evil wizards, often whelpy or all brawn no brain – good for a cowardly army. Ginger haired wizards good, all members or some relation to the Weasley family – just check to see whether they're named Percy or not (this is never a good thing as could lead to long conversations about one Bartemius Crouch and the thickness of cauldron bottoms). Ignore those of the spectral plane because they are either a) ghosts or b) not really there – not the best recruitments for your Hogwarts crew. The first person you invite to sit down with you will automatically become your best friend – so say the laws of the Hogwarts Express – just make sure you don't invite squirrellesque know-it-alls or someone looking for a toad as your first guests.

Now enjoy your ride to Hogwarts, don't forget to change before you get there (your robes are in your trunk) and good luck choosing a suitable best friend…oh and don't stick your head out of the windows – tunnels come out of nowhere on this line.

Upon arriving at Hogwarts you will be instructed to leave your luggage on the train – ensure you hide your sidekick in your trunk before leaving. As a first year you will then be directed towards a small fur covered mountain – no Scotland hasn't been invaded by fake beards that attack mountains – that is Hagrid – Gamekeeper of Hogwarts (and on the weekends he pretends to be Robbie Coultrane). He will lead you to the boats that will take you across the lake to Hogwarts – however if you are deathly afraid of water – you can always just take the path marked "shortcut to Hogwarts".

After taking the shortcut (boats are so overrated) be sure to hide behind the rather large bush (making sure that it is not the Whomping Willow) and join the back of the procession of students as they walk towards the castle. Watch out for the Scottish Hag (aka McGonagall) and good luck with the sorting.

For those of you doomed to suffer a penance for an act of wanton thievery shall begin to feel the need to run around with your arms covered with your newly sprouted feathers, pretending to be an aeroplane and at five second intervals to stand on your head with a slight flush and three foot hair on your feet chanting 'It's a small world after all'.


End file.
